I was married with 2 kids when I realized I'm gay - 当我发现自己是同性恋时，我已经结婚并有两个孩子了

By the time you reach your 30s, you think you know yourself – your likes, your dislikes, what inspires you, what makes you tick.

当你到了30多岁的时候，你认为你了解自己——你喜欢什么，你不喜欢什么，是什么激励了你，是什么让你兴奋。

But there I was, at 36 years old, realizing I didn't know myself at all.

但我自己，在36岁的时候，发现根本不了解自己。

I had everything I thought made my life perfect. I was married to my best friend and we had two beautiful, healthy and hilarious children, with successful careers and a beautiful home.

我拥有一切我认为让我的生活变得完美的东西。我和我最好的朋友结婚了，我们有两个漂亮、健康、搞笑的孩子，事业成功，家庭美满。

My life would change forever after a simple Google search in November 2016. I had just seen Kate McKinnon perform the song “Hallelujah” on SNL¹⁾ and discovered that she's a lesbian. That shocked me because she didn't fit the awful stereotype often depicted in the media.

我的生活在2016年11月的一次简单的谷歌搜索后，将永远改变。我刚刚在周六夜现场²⁾上看到凯特麦·金农演唱了《哈利路亚》这首歌，并发现她是一名女同性恋。这让我很震惊，因为她并不符合媒体经常描述的可怕的刻板印象。

I quickly declared her my “new girl crush.” But it was more than that.

我很快就宣布我是她的的“新迷妹”。但还不止于此。

At that moment, I realized that I wanted a relationship with a woman like her – but I felt terrible for even having this thought, as someone who was faithfully married.

那一刻，我意识到，我想和她这样的女人发生关系——但作为一个忠于婚姻的人，我甚至为有这种想法而感到可怕。

It was slowly becoming clear to me that I was not straight³⁾.

我慢慢明白，我不是直女⁴⁾。

How could I not know? I had my first “boyfriend” in the 3rd grade. I had already decided I was straight. How do you go back on that after being with guys for 20+ years?

我怎么会不知道呢？小学三年级的时候，我有了第一个“男朋友”。我已经认定自己是直女了。和男生在一起20多年了，你还怎么回得去？

Where I fell on the sexuality spectrum would take me the better part of two years to figure out. A part of myself wasn't living. And by not letting that part live, I was slowly dying.

我在性取向上的定位花了我两年的时间才搞清楚。我的一部分是灰暗的。如果不让这部分变得生动，我就会慢慢死去。

There's a price of admission for coming out as gay later in life. Over the course of several months, I paid the price daily. It was like I was watching a movie about myself but unable to control what was unfolding. Everything fell apart.

在日后生活中，以同性恋身份出柜是要付出代价的。在几个月的时间里，我每天都在付出代价。就像我在看一部关于自己的电影，却无法控制正在发生的事情。一切都崩溃了。

I did my best to slowly confide in my husband. But I kept many of my feelings inside to avoid hurting him. He tried to be supportive, but he also needed answers.

我尽自己最大的努力，慢慢向丈夫倾诉。但我把很多感受都藏在心里，避免伤害他。他试图支持我，但他也需要答案。

He felt unsettled and scared about the uncertainty of our future. He asked several times if I was a lesbian. It was a question that felt impossible to answer because I knew what that answer would mean.

他对我们未来的不确定性感到不安和恐惧。他几次问我是不是女同性恋。这是一个感觉无法回答的问题，因为我知道那个答案会意味着什么。

I kept waiting for the moment where I would realize I was no longer gay so I could put a halt to everything. My family was being shattered and I couldn't stop it. I constantly had to remind myself, “You get one life. This is your life and no one else's.”

我一直在等待那一刻，即意识到我不再是同性恋了，这样我就可以停下这一切。我的家庭被打碎了，我却无法阻止。我不断地提醒自己：“你只有一次生命。这是你的生活，不是别人的”。

I felt alone. I was crumbling and desperately looking for someone who could relate. I Googled to the ends of the earth looking for stories like mine. They were few and far between – and none seemed to touch on just how difficult the journey ahead of me could be.

我感到孤独。我崩溃了，急切地寻找能与我共处的人。我在谷歌上搜索到天涯海角，寻找像我这样的故事。这些故事少之又少——似乎没有一个故事涉及到我前面的旅程有多么艰难。

By early 2018, my husband and I separated in an effort to give me some perspective. I lost time with my children as we began a shared custody schedule. I was consumed by the pit in my stomach – the shame of ending my marriage because I was gay was like lugging a sandbag over my shoulders and having a rock in my stomach at the same time. I couldn't eat. My weight dropped by the day. For the first time since I met my husband, we went a full day without speaking.

2018年初，我和丈夫分居了，以便给我一些远景视角。当我们开始共享监护权时，我失去了和孩子们在一起的时间。我被我的胃里的坑折磨着——因为我是同性恋而结束我的婚姻的耻辱就像在我肩上拖着一个沙袋，同时在我的胃里有一块石头：我不能进食，我的体重一天比一天轻。自从我遇见我丈夫以来，这是我们第一次一整天都没说话。

I wasn't sure how to tell my conservative, Georgia-born and bred parents that their former pageant queen daughter was ending her marriage because she is gay. I'm very close with my parents – a phone call with my mom is almost a daily occurrence.

我不知道如何告诉我那保守的、在佐治亚州出生长大的父母，他们前选美皇后的女儿因为是同性恋而要结束婚姻。我和父母的关系非常密切——和我妈妈通电话几乎是每天的事。

I confided in my sister first. I wasn't brave enough to actually say the words – the label of being gay or a lesbian was too much for my soul to bear at the time – so I sent her a text message, “I am not straight.”

我先向姐姐倾诉。我没有足够的勇气真正说出这句话——当时同性恋或女同性恋的标签让我的灵魂无法承受——所以我给她发了一条短信：“我不是异性恋”。

She responded perfectly, asking if she could buy a Pride flag⁵⁾ and offered to tell my parents.

她的回复很完美，她问我要不要为我买一面骄傲旗帜⁶⁾，用以告诉我父母。

Later that day, I got two of the most relieving texts from my parents that I've ever received.

当天晚些时候，我收到了父母发来的两条最让我欣慰的短信。

I didn't realize until then how important it was to be accepted by my parents. I'm a grown woman, fully independent of my mom and dad – but I still needed their love and acceptance.

直到那时，我才意识到被父母接受是多么重要。我已经是一个成年女人了，完全独立于我的爸爸妈妈——但我仍然需要他们的爱和接纳。

Telling my family wasn't the end of my journey. I was finally figuring out who I was. Now I was ashamed by that answer.

告诉家人并不是我旅程的终点。我终于搞清楚了我是谁。现在我为这个答案感到羞愧。

That began to subside when I met other women in various stages of the coming out process, all on the same path. Hearing the experience of others felt like hearing my own: married to wonderful men, mothers of amazing kids, the perfect life practically every woman strives for.

当我遇到处于出柜过程不同阶段的其他妇女时，这种情况开始消退，她们都走在同一条路上。听到别人的经历就像听到我自己的经历一样：嫁给了优秀的男人，是了不起的孩子的母亲，几乎是每个女人都在努力追求的完美生活。

Through this group, led by a therapist, we quickly determined we are in this together. We were on a path that feels impossible to navigate until one day, you can live your truth and be perfectly fine shaping a new life.

通过这个由治疗师带领的小组，我们很快确定我们是在一起的。我们走在一条感觉不可能驾驭的道路上，直到有一天，你可以活出自己的真相，完全可以塑造新的生活。

That's what I'm striving to do now: shape a new life that includes my now ex-husband and my kids. Our family structure just looks a little different than it used to. We spend most holidays together, attend parent-teacher conferences, we even have plans to take the kids to Disney World in the fall.

这就是我现在正在努力做的事情：塑造一种新的生活，包括我现在的前夫和我的孩子。我们的家庭结构只是看起来和以前有些不同。我们大部分假期都在一起度过，参加家长会，我们甚至计划秋天带孩子们去迪斯尼世界玩。

We no longer have the perfect suburban home together, but we are both navigating new relationships and have found people who understand the importance of us both being present for our children.

我们不再一起拥有完美的郊区住宅，但我们都在驾驭新的关系，并找到了理解我们都是为人父母的重要性的人。

On New Year's Day this year, I came out on social media. I expected to see my friend list tick down but instead I was met by love and support. So many people choose to keep their private lives private, which I absolutely understand and respect.

今年元旦，我在社交媒体上出柜。我本以为会看到我的好友名单会越来越短，但我却得到了爱和支持。所以很多人选择保留自己的私生活，我绝对理解和尊重。

But what so many don't realize is that sharing your tough moments can make other people's tough moments a little easier.

但很多人没有意识到的是，分享你的艰难时刻可以让别人的艰难时刻变得更轻松一些。

I don't think I would have been able to accept who I am as quickly as I did without the changes in American society in recent years. When I was growing up in the 1980s, someone's sexuality was only spoken about in hushed voices, as if the person had a disease they didn't want others to know about.

如果没有近年来美国社会的变化，我想我不会像现在这样迅速地接受自己的身份。当我在上世纪80年代成长的时候，有人的性行为只会被人悄悄地说起，就好像这个人得了一种不想让别人知道的病一样。

Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg – who, like me, is in his late 30s and, like me, came out publicly just a few years ago – put it this way: “It's hard to face the truth that there were times in my life when, if you had shown me exactly what it was inside me that made me gay, I would have cut it out with a knife. If you had offered me a pill to make me straight, I would've swallowed it before you had time to give me a sip of water.”

民主党总统候选人皮特·布提吉格——他和我一样，已经30多岁，和我一样，几年前才公开出柜——他这样说：“很难面对这样的事实，在我的生活中，有几次，如果你让我知道我的内心到底是什么让我成为同性恋，我会用刀子把它切出来。如果你给我一颗让我变直的药丸，我就会在你给我一口水之前把它吞下去。”