I was married with 2 kids when I realized I'm gay - 当我发现自己是同性恋时，我已经结婚并有两个孩子了

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====== I was married with 2 kids when I realized I'm gay - 当我发现自己是同性恋时，我已经结婚并有两个孩子了 ======

//Written by Melisa Raney, with illustrations by Ian Berry\\ June 6, 2019//

//Edited and translated by Troy Liu //\\ //December 18, 2020//

<span lo>This article is reprinted from [[https://us.cnn.com/2019/06/06/opinions/melisa-raney-coming-out-later-in-life-as-gay-lesbian/index.html | CNN]]. Melisa Raney is a freelance writer and editor who lives in Atlanta with her two children. The views expressed in this commentary are her own. \\ 本文转载自美国有线电视新闻网。Melisa Raney是一名自由撰稿人和编辑，与她的两个孩子住在亚特兰大。本评论中表达的观点仅代表她本人。</span>

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You may notice some yellow <span hi>highlighted words</span> in the text that may be unfamiliar to you. There are explanations and pronunciation hints for these words at the bottom of the page. Good luck! :-D

你或许留意到了正文中的一些<span hi>黄色高亮单词</span>，这些单词可能有些难。页面底部有这些单词的释义和发音提示。祝好运！:-D
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{{ :asc:melisa-raney.jpg?250 |Melisa Raney}}\\ <span lo>Melisa Raney, the writer of this article.\\ 本文作者梅丽莎·兰尼。</span>

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By the time you reach your 30s, you think you know yourself -- your likes, your dislikes, what inspires you, what makes you tick.
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当你到了30多岁的时候，你认为你了解自己——你喜欢什么，你不喜欢什么，是什么激励了你，是什么让你兴奋。
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But there I was, at 36 years old, realizing I didn't know myself at all.
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但我自己，在36岁的时候，发现根本不了解自己。
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I had everything I thought made my life perfect. I was married to my best friend and we had two beautiful, healthy and hilarious children, with successful careers and a beautiful home.
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我拥有一切我认为让我的生活变得完美的东西。我和我最好的朋友结婚了，我们有两个漂亮、健康、搞笑的孩子，事业成功，家庭美满。
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My life would change forever after a simple Google search in November 2016. I had just seen Kate McKinnon perform the song "Hallelujah" on SNL[(编者注：**S**aturday **N**ight **L**ive，即周六夜现场全国广播公司（NBC）一档于周六深夜时段直播的喜剧小品类综艺节目，具有较长历史且十分受欢迎。)] and discovered that she's a lesbian. That shocked me because she didn't fit the awful stereotype often depicted in the media.
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我的生活在2016年11月的一次简单的谷歌搜索后，将永远改变。我刚刚在周六夜现场[(#1)]上看到凯特麦·金农演唱了《哈利路亚》这首歌，并发现她是一名女同性恋。这让我很震惊，因为她并不符合媒体经常描述的可怕的刻板印象。
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I quickly declared her my "new girl crush." But it was more than that.
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我很快就宣布我是她的的“新迷妹”。但还不止于此。
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At that moment, I realized that I wanted a relationship with a woman like her -- but I felt terrible for even having this thought, as someone who was faithfully married.
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那一刻，我意识到，我想和她这样的女人发生关系——但作为一个忠于婚姻的人，我甚至为有这种想法而感到可怕。
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It was slowly becoming clear to me that I was not straight[(编者注：Straight，直译直男（女），即异性恋。)].
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我慢慢明白，我不是直女[(#2)]。
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How could I not know? I had my first "boyfriend" in the 3rd grade. I had already decided I was straight. How do you go back on that after being with guys for 20+ years?
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我怎么会不知道呢？小学三年级的时候，我有了第一个“男朋友”。我已经认定自己是直女了。和男生在一起20多年了，你还怎么回得去？
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Where I fell on the <span hi>sexuality spectrum</span> would take me the better part of two years to figure out. A part of myself wasn't living. And by not letting that part live, I was slowly dying.
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我在性取向上的定位花了我两年的时间才搞清楚。我的一部分是灰暗的。如果不让这部分变得生动，我就会慢慢死去。
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=== Unraveling a life - 揭开人生的序幕 ===
{{ :asc:melisa-rancy-1.jpg?600 | Illustration 1}}

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There's a price of admission for coming out as gay later in life. Over the course of several months, I paid the price daily. It was like I was watching a movie about myself but unable to control what was unfolding. Everything fell apart.
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在日后生活中，以同性恋身份出柜是要付出代价的。在几个月的时间里，我每天都在付出代价。就像我在看一部关于自己的电影，却无法控制正在发生的事情。一切都崩溃了。
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I did my best to slowly confide in my husband. But I kept many of my feelings inside to avoid hurting him. He tried to be supportive, but he also needed answers.
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我尽自己最大的努力，慢慢向丈夫倾诉。但我把很多感受都藏在心里，避免伤害他。他试图支持我，但他也需要答案。
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He felt unsettled and scared about the uncertainty of our future. He asked several times if I was a lesbian. It was a question that felt impossible to answer because I knew what that answer would mean.
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他对我们未来的不确定性感到不安和恐惧。他几次问我是不是女同性恋。这是一个感觉无法回答的问题，因为我知道那个答案会意味着什么。
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I kept waiting for the moment where I would realize I was no longer gay so I could put a halt to everything. My family was being shattered and I couldn't stop it. I constantly had to remind myself, //"You get one life. This is your life and no one else's."//
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我一直在等待那一刻，即意识到我不再是同性恋了，这样我就可以停下这一切。我的家庭被打碎了，我却无法阻止。我不断地提醒自己：//“你只有一次生命。这是你的生活，不是别人的”。//
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I felt alone. I was crumbling and desperately looking for someone who could relate. I Googled to the ends of the earth looking for stories like mine. They were few and far between -- and none seemed to touch on just how difficult the journey ahead of me could be.
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我感到孤独。我崩溃了，急切地寻找能与我共处的人。我在谷歌上搜索到天涯海角，寻找像我这样的故事。这些故事少之又少——似乎没有一个故事涉及到我前面的旅程有多么艰难。
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By early 2018, my husband and I separated in an effort to give me some perspective. I lost time with my children as we began a shared custody schedule. I was consumed by the pit in my stomach -- the shame of ending my marriage because I was gay was like lugging a sandbag over my shoulders and having a rock in my stomach at the same time. I couldn't eat. My weight dropped by the day. For the first time since I met my husband, we went a full day without speaking. 
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2018年初，我和丈夫分居了，以便给我一些远景视角。当我们开始共享监护权时，我失去了和孩子们在一起的时间。我被我的胃里的坑折磨着——因为我是同性恋而结束我的婚姻的耻辱就像在我肩上拖着一个沙袋，同时在我的胃里有一块石头：我不能进食，我的体重一天比一天轻。自从我遇见我丈夫以来，这是我们第一次一整天都没说话。
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I wasn't sure how to tell my conservative, Georgia-born and bred parents that their former pageant queen daughter was ending her marriage because she is gay. I'm very close with my parents -- a phone call with my mom is almost a daily occurrence.
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我不知道如何告诉我那保守的、在佐治亚州出生长大的父母，他们前选美皇后的女儿因为是同性恋而要结束婚姻。我和父母的关系非常密切——和我妈妈通电话几乎是每天的事。
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I confided in my sister first. I wasn't brave enough to actually say the words -- the label of being gay or a lesbian was too much for my soul to bear at the time -- so I sent her a text message, "I am not straight."
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我先向姐姐倾诉。我没有足够的勇气真正说出这句话——当时同性恋或女同性恋的标签让我的灵魂无法承受——所以我给她发了一条短信：“我不是异性恋”。
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She responded perfectly, asking if she could buy a Pride flag[(编者注：Pride flag，即彩虹色的骄傲旗帜，用以象征性少数人群的平权运动。)] and offered to tell my parents.
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她的回复很完美，她问我要不要为我买一面骄傲旗帜[(#3)]，用以告诉我父母。
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Later that day, I got two of the most relieving texts from my parents that I've ever received.
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当天晚些时候，我收到了父母发来的两条最让我欣慰的短信。
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{{ :asc:melisa-rancy-2.jpg?600 | Melisa's parents' texts.}}

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I didn't realize until then how important it was to be accepted by my parents. I'm a grown woman, fully independent of my mom and dad -- but I still needed their love and acceptance.
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直到那时，我才意识到被父母接受是多么重要。我已经是一个成年女人了，完全独立于我的爸爸妈妈——但我仍然需要他们的爱和接纳。
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=== Living my truth - 活出自我 ===
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Telling my family wasn't the end of my journey. I was finally figuring out who I was. Now I was ashamed by that answer.
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告诉家人并不是我旅程的终点。我终于搞清楚了我是谁。现在我为这个答案感到羞愧。
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That began to subside when I met other women in various stages of the coming out process, all on the same path. Hearing the experience of others felt like hearing my own: married to wonderful men, mothers of amazing kids, the perfect life practically every woman strives for.
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当我遇到处于出柜过程不同阶段的其他妇女时，这种情况开始消退，她们都走在同一条路上。听到别人的经历就像听到我自己的经历一样：嫁给了优秀的男人，是了不起的孩子的母亲，几乎是每个女人都在努力追求的完美生活。
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Through this group, led by a therapist, we quickly determined we are in this together. We were on a path that feels impossible to navigate until one day, you can live your truth and be perfectly fine shaping a new life.
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通过这个由治疗师带领的小组，我们很快确定我们是在一起的。我们走在一条感觉不可能驾驭的道路上，直到有一天，你可以活出自己的真相，完全可以塑造新的生活。
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That's what I'm striving to do now: shape a new life that includes my now ex-husband and my kids. Our family structure just looks a little different than it used to. We spend most holidays together, attend parent-teacher conferences, we even have plans to take the kids to Disney World in the fall.
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这就是我现在正在努力做的事情：塑造一种新的生活，包括我现在的前夫和我的孩子。我们的家庭结构只是看起来和以前有些不同。我们大部分假期都在一起度过，参加家长会，我们甚至计划秋天带孩子们去迪斯尼世界玩。
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We no longer have the perfect suburban home together, but we are both navigating new relationships and have found people who understand the importance of us both being present for our children.
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我们不再一起拥有完美的郊区住宅，但我们都在驾驭新的关系，并找到了理解我们都是为人父母的重要性的人。
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On New Year's Day this year, I came out on social media. I expected to see my friend list tick down but instead I was met by love and support. So many people choose to keep their private lives private, which I absolutely understand and respect.
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今年元旦，我在社交媒体上出柜。我本以为会看到我的好友名单会越来越短，但我却得到了爱和支持。所以很多人选择保留自己的私生活，我绝对理解和尊重。
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But what so many don't realize is that sharing your tough moments can make other people's tough moments a little easier.
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但很多人没有意识到的是，分享你的艰难时刻可以让别人的艰难时刻变得更轻松一些。
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I don't think I would have been able to accept who I am as quickly as I did without the changes in American society in recent years. When I was growing up in the 1980s, someone's sexuality was only spoken about in hushed voices, as if the person had a disease they didn't want others to know about.
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如果没有近年来美国社会的变化，我想我不会像现在这样迅速地接受自己的身份。当我在上世纪80年代成长的时候，有人的性行为只会被人悄悄地说起，就好像这个人得了一种不想让别人知道的病一样。
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Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg -- who, like me, is in his late 30s and, like me, came out publicly just a few years ago -- put it this way: "It's hard to face the truth that there were times in my life when, if you had shown me exactly what it was inside me that made me gay, I would have cut it out with a knife. If you had offered me a pill to make me straight, I would've swallowed it before you had time to give me a sip of water."
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民主党总统候选人皮特·布提吉格——他和我一样，已经30多岁，和我一样，几年前才公开出柜——他这样说：“很难面对这样的事实，在我的生活中，有几次，如果你让我知道我的内心到底是什么让我成为同性恋，我会用刀子把它切出来。如果你给我一颗让我变直的药丸，我就会在你给我一口水之前把它吞下去。”
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There is so much truth in his statement. There was such a big part of me that did not want to be gay. I think you'd be hard-pressed to find a gay person over the age of 30 who hasn't felt this way.
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他的说法有很多道理。我内心有很大一部分不想成为同性恋。我想你很难找到一个30岁以上的同性恋者没有这种感觉。
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On the flip side, it is getting better for younger generations. When I told my kids last year that if mom remarries, it will be to a woman -- it didn't faze them in the least.
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从另一个角度看，年轻一代的情况正在好转。当我去年告诉我的孩子们，如果妈妈再婚，一定要找一个女人时，他们丝毫不为所动。
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Throughout all of this, I would have loved to have known that I was going to come out on the other side and be OK. And I want people reading my story to know that it's OK to be the person you're meant to be -- no matter what your age is when you finally get to know yourself and love who you are in the process.
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在所有这一切中，我很想知道，我将走出另一边，并且没事。我想让读我故事的人知道，当你最终认识自己并在这个过程中爱上自己的时候，无论你的年龄是多少，都可以成为你注定要成为的那个人。
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==== Footnotes - 脚注 ====
~~REFNOTES~~

==== Words - 词汇 ====
  - **Sexuality spectrum:** 性频谱
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