I was married with 2 kids when I realized I'm gay - 当我发现自己是同性恋时，我已经结婚并有两个孩子了

By the time you reach your 30s, you think you know yourself – your likes, your dislikes, what inspires you, what makes you tick.

当你到了30多岁的时候，你认为你了解自己——你喜欢什么，你不喜欢什么，是什么激励了你，是什么让你兴奋。

But there I was, at 36 years old, realizing I didn't know myself at all.

但我自己，在36岁的时候，发现根本不了解自己。

I had everything I thought made my life perfect. I was married to my best friend and we had two beautiful, healthy and hilarious children, with successful careers and a beautiful home.

我拥有一切我认为让我的生活变得完美的东西。我和我最好的朋友结婚了，我们有两个漂亮、健康、搞笑的孩子，事业成功，家庭美满。

My life would change forever after a simple Google search in November 2016. I had just seen Kate McKinnon perform the song “Hallelujah” on SNL¹⁾ and discovered that she's a lesbian. That shocked me because she didn't fit the awful stereotype often depicted in the media.

我的生活在2016年11月的一次简单的谷歌搜索后，将永远改变。我刚刚在周六夜现场²⁾上看到凯特麦·金农演唱了《哈利路亚》这首歌，并发现她是一名女同性恋。这让我很震惊，因为她并不符合媒体经常描述的可怕的刻板印象。

I quickly declared her my “new girl crush.” But it was more than that.

我很快就宣布我是她的的“新迷妹”。但还不止于此。

At that moment, I realized that I wanted a relationship with a woman like her – but I felt terrible for even having this thought, as someone who was faithfully married.

那一刻，我意识到，我想和她这样的女人发生关系——但作为一个忠于婚姻的人，我甚至为有这种想法而感到可怕。

It was slowly becoming clear to me that I was not straight³⁾.

我慢慢明白，我不是直女⁴⁾。

How could I not know? I had my first “boyfriend” in the 3rd grade. I had already decided I was straight. How do you go back on that after being with guys for 20+ years?

我怎么会不知道呢？小学三年级的时候，我有了第一个“男朋友”。我已经认定自己是直女了。和男生在一起20多年了，你还怎么回得去？

Where I fell on the sexuality spectrum would take me the better part of two years to figure out. A part of myself wasn't living. And by not letting that part live, I was slowly dying.

我在性取向上的定位花了我两年的时间才搞清楚。我的一部分是灰暗的。如果不让这部分变得生动，我就会慢慢死去。

There's a price of admission for coming out as gay later in life. Over the course of several months, I paid the price daily. It was like I was watching a movie about myself but unable to control what was unfolding. Everything fell apart.

在日后生活中，以同性恋身份出柜是要付出代价的。在几个月的时间里，我每天都在付出代价。就像我在看一部关于自己的电影，却无法控制正在发生的事情。一切都崩溃了。

I did my best to slowly confide in my husband. But I kept many of my feelings inside to avoid hurting him. He tried to be supportive, but he also needed answers.

我尽自己最大的努力，慢慢向丈夫倾诉。但我把很多感受都藏在心里，避免伤害他。他试图支持我，但他也需要答案。

He felt unsettled and scared about the uncertainty of our future. He asked several times if I was a lesbian. It was a question that felt impossible to answer because I knew what that answer would mean.

他对我们未来的不确定性感到不安和恐惧。他几次问我是不是女同性恋。这是一个感觉无法回答的问题，因为我知道那个答案会意味着什么。

I kept waiting for the moment where I would realize I was no longer gay so I could put a halt to everything. My family was being shattered and I couldn't stop it. I constantly had to remind myself, “You get one life. This is your life and no one else's.”

我一直在等待那一刻，即意识到我不再是同性恋了，这样我就可以停下这一切。我的家庭被打碎了，我却无法阻止。我不断地提醒自己：“你只有一次生命。这是你的生活，不是别人的”。

I felt alone. I was crumbling and desperately looking for someone who could relate. I Googled to the ends of the earth looking for stories like mine. They were few and far between – and none seemed to touch on just how difficult the journey ahead of me could be.

我感到孤独。我崩溃了，急切地寻找能与我共处的人。我在谷歌上搜索到天涯海角，寻找像我这样的故事。这些故事少之又少——似乎没有一个故事涉及到我前面的旅程有多么艰难。

By early 2018, my husband and I separated in an effort to give me some perspective. I lost time with my children as we began a shared custody schedule. I was consumed by the pit in my stomach – the shame of ending my marriage because I was gay was like lugging a sandbag over my shoulders and having a rock in my stomach at the same time. I couldn't eat. My weight dropped by the day. For the first time since I met my husband, we went a full day without speaking.

2018年初，我和丈夫分居了，以便给我一些远景视角。当我们开始共享监护权时，我失去了和孩子们在一起的时间。我被我的胃里的坑折磨着——因为我是同性恋而结束我的婚姻的耻辱就像在我肩上拖着一个沙袋，同时在我的胃里有一块石头：我不能进食，我的体重一天比一天轻。自从我遇见我丈夫以来，这是我们第一次一整天都没说话。

I wasn't sure how to tell my conservative, Georgia-born and bred parents that their former pageant queen daughter was ending her marriage because she is gay. I'm very close with my parents – a phone call with my mom is almost a daily occurrence.

我不知道如何告诉我那保守的、在佐治亚州出生长大的父母，他们前选美皇后的女儿因为是同性恋而要结束婚姻。我和父母的关系非常密切——和我妈妈通电话几乎是每天的事。

I confided in my sister first. I wasn't brave enough to actually say the words – the label of being gay or a lesbian was too much for my soul to bear at the time – so I sent her a text message, “I am not straight.”

我先向姐姐倾诉。我没有足够的勇气真正说出这句话——当时同性恋或女同性恋的标签让我的灵魂无法承受——所以我给她发了一条短信：“我不是异性恋”。

She responded perfectly, asking if she could buy a Pride flag⁵⁾ and offered to tell my parents.

她的反应很完美，问她能不能买一面骄傲旗帜⁶⁾，并提出要告诉我父母。

Later that day, I got two of the most relieving texts from my parents that I've ever received.