I was married with 2 kids when I realized I'm gay - 当我发现自己是同性恋时，我已经结婚并有两个孩子了

By the time you reach your 30s, you think you know yourself – your likes, your dislikes, what inspires you, what makes you tick.

当你到了30多岁的时候，你认为你了解自己——你喜欢什么，你不喜欢什么，是什么激励了你，是什么让你兴奋。

But there I was, at 36 years old, realizing I didn't know myself at all.

但我自己，在36岁的时候，发现根本不了解自己。

I had everything I thought made my life perfect. I was married to my best friend and we had two beautiful, healthy and hilarious children, with successful careers and a beautiful home.

我拥有一切我认为让我的生活变得完美的东西。我和我最好的朋友结婚了，我们有两个漂亮、健康、搞笑的孩子，事业成功，家庭美满。

My life would change forever after a simple Google search in November 2016. I had just seen Kate McKinnon perform the song “Hallelujah” on SNL¹⁾ and discovered that she's a lesbian. That shocked me because she didn't fit the awful stereotype often depicted in the media.

我的生活在2016年11月的一次简单的谷歌搜索后，将永远改变。我刚刚在周六夜现场²⁾上看到凯特麦·金农演唱了《哈利路亚》这首歌，并发现她是一名女同性恋。这让我很震惊，因为她并不符合媒体经常描述的可怕的刻板印象。

I quickly declared her my “new girl crush.” But it was more than that.

我很快就宣布我是她的的“新迷妹”。但还不止于此。

At that moment, I realized that I wanted a relationship with a woman like her – but I felt terrible for even having this thought, as someone who was faithfully married.

那一刻，我意识到，我想和她这样的女人发生关系——但作为一个忠于婚姻的人，我甚至为有这种想法而感到可怕。

It was slowly becoming clear to me that I was not straight³⁾.

我慢慢明白，我不是直女⁴⁾。

How could I not know? I had my first “boyfriend” in the 3rd grade. I had already decided I was straight. How do you go back on that after being with guys for 20+ years?

我怎么会不知道呢？小学三年级的时候，我有了第一个“男朋友”。我已经认定自己是直女了。和男生在一起20多年了，你还怎么回得去？

Where I fell on the sexuality spectrum would take me the better part of two years to figure out. A part of myself wasn't living. And by not letting that part live, I was slowly dying.

我在性取向上的定位花了我两年的时间才搞清楚。我的一部分是灰暗的。如果不让这部分变得生动，我就会慢慢死去。